What Limits Would Create More Freedom in Your Life?

Gretchen Rubin is one of my favorite authors. She writes about happiness and habits, two topics of interest to me. She has developed a collection of what she calls her “Secrets of Adulthood,” lessons she has learned over the years that help her to navigate life on a day-to-day basis.

I recently pondered one of these on my bike, and I decided I would pose the question it generated for me to you.

Rubin says, “Give yourself limits to give yourself freedom.”

While this may seem contradictory at first, it is not.

The question I encourage you to ask yourself is, “What limits can you give yourself to create more freedom in your life?”

You can start by considering whether there is something from which you would like to be free. Is there a habit you would like to eliminate? Do you long to be free from a negative self-image? Would you like to shed some physical or emotional weight? Is financial debt weighing you down? Is it the heaviness of regret or disappointment? Is there someone you need to forgive? Do you need to forgive yourself?

The sources of bondage are endless. Freedom requires proactive action. Rubin’s secret of adulthood is one of the keys to the kind of proactive action that can free you from whatever bondage has its hold on you.

During that introspective bike ride, I was considering where I could add limits to create freedom in my own life. One area that came to mind was my relationship with chocolate. Periodically, I can fall into the trap of using chocolate as a crutch. I have to catch myself, acknowledge it and be willing to impose limits, in order to free myself from its clutches and consequences. While different issues will call for variations on these ideas, using chocolate dependence as an example, here are the steps I recommend for setting limits to create freedom:

  1. Check in with yourself. A mindfulness practice is a great way to do this. Taking time each day to stop, quiet your mind and notice if there is anything that has you feeling unsettled can help you catch issues that are preventing you from being truly free.
  2. If there is a pattern that creates anxiety or raises negative feelings or something that you wish were different in our life, recognize it and acknowledge it for yourself. This might just be in your head, but it might be helpful to journal or talk to someone about it.
  3. Decide what limits you need to create freedom. I have treated my tendency toward dependence on chocolate in different ways at different times. When it was severe, 12 years ago when we moved to a new home with a toddler, I eliminated the option of chocolate consumption in any form. This felt necessary at the time. I did not allow myself any chocolate for three years. While difficult at first, it was very freeing. Once I had other safeguards in place, it felt safe to allow it back into my life in controlled situations. Overall, that served me for many years, but, in the past several weeks, I loosened my limits to compensate for perceived lack in other areas of life (That could be another whole blog post.), and I recently recognized and acknowledged to myself that I was disappointed with my lack of control (even though it is nothing like it was in 2006), and I wanted to do something about it. On my bike, when I was reflecting on Rubin’s secret of adulthood, I considered eliminating all chocolate again. That doesn’t feel necessary. I decided that I would allow myself chocolate in two situations (in addition to cocoa and cacao in my smoothies): one square of at least 70% cacao dark chocolate after dinner and infrequent dark chocolate chips when I have what I call a “comfort bowl.” This is something I do only about once a week, and it consists of some combination of the following items: raw oatmeal, berries or cherries, vegan yogurt, nuts and/or seeds, cacao nibs, cocoa, nut butter and dark chocolate chips. This feels like a comforting and decadent treat. That’s it. On a daily basis, I will not eat chocolate in other situations.
  4. Know yourself. Do you need the added accountability of acknowledging the problem to someone else, like a trusted friend, counselor or coach? Determine what support you need to remain within your self-imposed limits and seek it.
  5. Affirm your daily success. Each day that you remain within your limits, honor yourself and celebrate in a way that is aligned with your goals.
  6. Relish the freedom. Notice how much lighter and happier and FREER you feel.
  7. Build on the freedom and success. What is your next project? Where can you gain even more freedom by giving yourself limits?

I think the first time I read about this concept of freedom through limits, it was framed as freedom through discipline by Maia Duerr. It resonated with me at the time in a profound way. I could recognize periods in my life where the idea had been true, but it was the first time I had seen it named.

My hope is that by bringing your attention to this idea, you may be motivated to acknowledge an area where you could free yourself by limiting yourself and that you will find the courage to do so.

“The price of discipline is always less than the pain of regret.”
–Peter Clemons

Right Time. Right Questions

“You mustn’t wait until the perfect conditions to begin a task. Rather tackle it boldly until the conditions become perfect.” Tony Fahkry

There are some ideas that reappear repeatedly throughout life, in various contexts. For me, one of those has been the idea of not waiting until the perfect time to start something new, take on a challenge, etc. Different thinkers have expressed this in assorted ways and to varied audiences, but the gist of the message is the same: “It will never be the perfect time. Conditions will never be exactly right. There are always reasons NOT to do/try/risk something.” So, we just have to jump in and move forward anyway. Most writers follow up this advice with the hopeful message that, by jumping right in, we will create the perfect conditions once we get started. We will find the support, help, guidance and resources that we need.

On some level, I know this advice is true—at least the part about there being no perfect time or situation.

But, I do believe that some times or situations are better than others. I also think there can be a wrong time.

So, that is where it gets complicated for me. How do I know when it is the best time or least wrong time?

And, I am not so good at believing that everything I need will appear once I jump in. As much as I want to believe this deeply, I am not fully there yet.

How do I know if this is weakness or wisdom?

I guess this is where Rainer Maria Rilke’s advice comes into play:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

My worry is that it would be all too easy, though, to “live the questions” until the moment of possibility has passed.

There is a quote in my volumes of collected quotes that, maddeningly, I have not been able to locate recently. I think it is from the Buddha, and its recommendation is frequently part of my mindfulness practice. It says to sit with two questions daily: 1. “Who am I?” 2. “What do I want?”

I really try to believe that asking myself these questions regularly will help me to know when it is the right time to move forward with my coaching practice more assertively and to know exactly what that means. That is a big, pressing question for me right now.

Like my last post, this one has sat untouched and unfinished for nearly a month, as life has been occupied by other activities. In the interim, additional questions have arisen.

On June 4, I turned 49. That event presented me with the questions, “Where do I want to be when I am 50? How do I get there? What needs to change?”

I began pondering those questions right as I was preparing to leave on vacation. From June 8 to June 16, I was Biking Across Kansas. I thought I might find the answers to the questions around my last year in my 40s as I was working in the wind, heat and hills to make my way across the state. However, I found that what I needed most was to allow myself to just empty my mind of those questions and of so many worries that I realized had been weighing me down more heavily than I had known.

Instead of finding the answer to where I wanted to be when I turn 50, I found a new question. “What do I want to take back to real life from BAK?”

I was able to find some answers to that one. I want to release some of the pressure I have been placing on myself. I want to try to focus on the basics—the things that really matter—and let go of the rest, as much as possible. I want to take back the courage and the energy I feel on BAK. Although I was working very hard and riding my bike for several hours a day, I noticed that I was much less tired than usual. Allowing myself to let go of the typical worries that occupy my mind was energizing.

I am trying, with varying degrees of success, to implement the BAK lessons into my post-BAK life, while I am back to trying to answer where I want to be when I am 50 and how to get there. Gretchen Rubin recently asked in a Facebook Live presentation, “If you got one thing accomplished this summer, what would you want it to be?” While I was on my bike on Sunday, I thought about this. Initially, I thought about what one thing I would want to accomplish in each of five areas of my life: health, finances, relationships, career and spirituality. Walking on campus on Monday, I narrowed this to THE one thing that is more important to me to accomplish this summer than any of the others. That clarity feels good. It helps me to know where my priorities are and how to make decisions that support those.

I do believe that I have a better idea of where I want to be when I am 50 and how to get there, although I am still refining those answers. In the spirit of BAK, I am trying to focus on what matters most and to release pressure while figuring out how to take the next steps with my coaching practice and in life. This is a delicate balance—making progress toward where I want to be, without making the journey miserable because of so much pressure.

I guess it is like a bike ride in difficult conditions. I know I must continue making forward progress, turning the pedals and covering ground, to get out of the heat/wind/rain, but I want to avoid blowing up in the process. So, I back off my speed and intensity when necessary. And, I make sure I have what I need—water, electrolytes, gel, a cold towel for my neck.

I will continue to flesh out my ideas around where I want to be when I am 50 and put in process a strategy to get there, but I will also remember that part of living and aging with power and purpose is living in joy and gratitude right now. I will “live the questions,” while checking in with myself to avoid getting stalled. In that way, hopefully, I will live my way into the answers and recognize the “right time” when it presents itself.

The Destructive Nature of Inaction

Apathy. Complacency. Inertia. Fear. Resistance.

Any or all of these can get in the way of achieving goals and living our dreams.

Not taking action can eat away at our spirit, our mental health and even our physical health.

Eleanor Roosevelt was right when she observed that, “What you don’t do can be a destructive force.” The nagging sense of not following through on our goals or manifesting our dreams can eat at us insidiously, slowly destroying our motivation and self-efficacy.

According to Kristin Armstrong, “Complacency is not okay. Contentment is. They are different.” I find that the line between the two can be difficult to distinguish. For the last several years, I have found myself longing for stability, longevity of circumstance, a place, a history. Yet, I hear the echoes of my younger self urging me not to “settle.” How do I know for sure when I am content and when I am complacent? The state of contentment is positive and nourishing, but as Roosevelt warned, complacency (or any of its paralyzing cousins) is destructive.

I do not have this all figured out, but I do believe that living and aging with power and purpose requires seeking contentment and rejecting complacency and the like.

When we promise ourselves that we will finally make healthy lifestyle changes, but then we become overwhelmed with the busyness and obligations of life, or we decide that making the changes means missing out on what we think we deserve, what we don’t do continues to erode not only our physical health, but our self-esteem. Breaking promises to ourselves hurts just as much as, if not more than, the pain of having a loved one break a promise. We have an obligation to be our own best friend, to be the one on whom we can count, even if the world lets us down.

The line between staying in a relationship for stability and because we said we would and bravely taking another path, when the relationship turns out to be unfulfilling, is not easily discerned. Sometimes, situations like this may come down to recognizing the lesser evil. Life does involve compromises, but when we can see that a situation has more negative than positive, and we still choose not to act, the inaction can destroy us from the inside out.

Career aspirations can be the same. We set goals, but then life comes along and changes our plans. Where is the line between taking risks to step out of a stable, but, ultimately, disappointing situation and the desire to create a history somewhere?

Answering questions like these is not easy, and acting on the answers, when they come, is even harder. It requires constant vigilance and introspection, continually asking ourselves, “Which decision causes me more stress, and which brings me more peace?”

That is what I try to do as I grapple with life decisions, big and small. I have learned that I am always going to be happier if I keep my commitments to myself. In situations involving risk, though, the challenge is knowing if my commitment is right in the present moment. I want to have no doubt, and I am finding that state of certainty to be more and more elusive. That frustrates me because I don’t want to slip into complacency. I want to make decisions based on contentment and joy, not fear.

Gretchen Rubin, writes about her personality framework, The Four Tendencies. Under her framework, every time I have taken the quiz, my results indicate that I am an Upholder. This means that I like habits and readily adopt and persist with them. I meet my own expectations, as well as the expectations of others. This is no surprise to me. I completely agree with that assessment.

I think this tendency may make lack of action or follow-through on my part even more excruciating. I don’t like the uncertainty of not knowing—without a doubt—that a goal I have set or a plan I have made is truly the right path. Because I also feel obligated to meet others’ expectations, I may feel torn between keeping my commitment to myself and meeting my real or perceived responsibility to others.

Even those with other tendencies—rebel, obliger and questioner—are likely to experience the destructive nature of inaction, even if that destruction comes in a different form. Rebels resist expectations, whether their own or other people’s. Obligers might be seen as people pleasers. They keep commitments to others, but they regularly let themselves down. Questioners analyze any expectations to decide if they make sense and will meet them, if they do.

So, Rebels and Obligers, for different reasons, may be more subject than others to self-sabotage. Rebels will self-sabotage because they don’t want to be told what to do—by anybody, even themselves. Obligers always put their responsibility (again, real or perceived) ahead of their own self-interest. Again, they self-sabotage because their healthy habits, lifestyle changes or big moves are sacrificed for their sense that it is always more important to meet someone else’s expectations.

I wonder if Questioners have the healthiest approach. Maybe they are masters of discernment, who find the balance between meeting their own expectations and meeting those others have for them. They will meet either type, but only if the expectations resonate with them.

So, I don’t have the answers and find myself in a frequent state of angst as I try to make the right decision—both for myself and for the people to whom I have a responsibility. How do I make sure that “not doing” something—whatever that is—is not a destructive force? I would welcome thoughts and ideas on this.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit back and think about it. Go out and get busy.” –Dale Carnegie

Reflections on #100HAPPYDAYS

When I started my #100HAPPYDAYS journey, I did not take time to calculate when it would conclude. Although just a happy coincidence, as I drew closer to completing my quest and realized that it would culminate along with 2015, I thought there must be some symbolism to that—or at least I could assign significance to it.

I could let this be an ending, or I could turn it into another beginning.

Concluding at the end of the year, it felt appropriate to reflect on what the project had meant to me and how I had changed by participating in it. The number-one influence that the #100HAPPYDAYS project had on my daily life was inspiring a proactive daily search for the positive. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a daily practice of writing in my journal each night about “3 things that have gone well today.” This practice allows me to recognize and appreciate something encouraging, even on very difficult days.

Rather than retroactively reflecting on the positive bits that I could tease out of my day, #100HAPPYDAYS required me to look for, think about where I might find, or sometimes even create, happy moments that could be captured in a photograph. This was beneficial to my overall outlook because it empowered and challenged me to insert happiness into each day.

This was easier or more obvious on some days than on others. I found myself at the end of rough days, in a less than stellar mood, thinking, “What (the heck) am I going to photograph today for my #100HAPPYDAYS?” On those days purposefully looking around reminded me of the good fortune that that has permeated my life as a whole—a photo of my much-loved grandma, a box painted by a special friend, the mischievous smile on my active little boy’s face. This was an effective way of “counting my blessings,” even on days that were characterized more by stress than by bliss. Our lives are generally dominated by mundane tasks and obligations, rather than by dramatic highs (or, thankfully, lows). So, this habit of noticing the good on an ordinary day was a healthy one.

On some days, it would have been easier not to post, and there were times that I worried that my Facebook friends must be sick of seeing pictures from my life or that I would look like I was seeking attention. The bottom line, though, is that I value keeping the commitments I make to myself. I am what Gretchen Rubin calls an “Upholder,” someone who “responds readily to inner and outer expectations.” If I set a goal, especially one with a clear finish line and specific parameters, I am generally determined to meet it—whether it is posting for 100 straight days about something that makes me happy, training for and completing a marathon or finishing an 82-mile bike ride in torrential rain and 45-mph wind. This perseverance is what makes Kenny call me stubborn (among other adjectives), but it is something I consider a strength and a characteristic for which I am grateful.

I decided that finishing #100HAPPYDAYS on the last day of the year meant that I should begin the new year with a fresh quest. It seemed the perfect segue to a kickoff of the pursuit of what I am calling Vision 2016—my two primary goals for 2016. I am not ready to go public with what those two goals are, but I have adapted the #100HAPPYDAYS format to a strategy to track my progress toward those goals. Rather than posting photos on Facebook, I have created a spreadsheet where I will track my daily activities related to my dual-pronged Vision 2016. This will work for me because I am self-motivated and self-directed and do not necessarily need to make a goal public in order to feel accountable to it. I feel excited at the prospect of this new challenge and am grateful for a structure within which to frame my goal pursuit.

I appreciate my experience with #100HAPPYDAYS and am grateful for my friend Andrea, whose Facebook post introduced me to the idea. I would say that my overall mental health and happiness have tipped a little farther toward the positive. While this emotional uptick is not solely because of this project, I do believe that #100HAPPYDAYS contributed. Even though I won’t necessarily be sharing something positive every day, I hope that I will be able to keep alive the spirit of proactively spotting joy amidst the mundane moments that characterize human daily existence.

Wishing all, human and non-human, a peaceful and happy 2016!

My Favorite Books in 2015

Along with cycling, reading is one of my lifelines. It is an escape, a friend and means to lifelong learning. I read a lot, mostly while doing other things—folding laundry, washing dishes, brushing my teeth, etc.—and before I go to sleep. For several years, I have kept a log in Evernote of the books I have read during a given year, and I have also rated them on Goodreads. I thought it would be fun to post a list of the books I found most enjoyable, meaningful or informative in 2015. I present them here, roughly categorized by genre, mostly in the chronological order in which I read them within the genres. These are the books that I gave four or five stars in Goodreads.
Health
Talking Back to OCD: The Program That Helps Kids and Teens Say “No Way”—and Parents Say “Way to Go,” by John S. March—March explains practical, accessible advice for helping children help themselves cope with and conquer Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End, by Atul Gawande—Atul Gawande is one of my favorite authors. His latest book provides useful, provocative questions to assist loved ones facing end-of-life decisions or to make well-considered decisions about our own mortality.
Foundation: Redefine Your Core, Conquer Back Pain and Move With Confidence, by Eric Goodman—This book led to a life-enhancing daily practice for me. It has helped me significantly reduce hip and lower back pain, increase my cycling speed and efficiency and engage my hamstrings more effectively. I purchased the DVD set after several weeks of daily practice and have given the book/DVD package as gifts. I strongly recommend this book and this practice.
The Man Who Couldn’t Stop, by David Adam—Adam elucidates the suffering caused by OCD, using scientific information, anecdotal accounts and personal experience.
Do No Harm: Stories of Life, Death and Brain Surgery, by Henry Marsh—Henry Marsh writes an admirably candid account of his career—and especially his mistakes—as a neurosurgeon. I was in awe of his courageous honesty, which he asserts is critical to practicing good medicine.
The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed or Desperate, by Harriet Lerner—Lerner provides practical guidance for having tough conversations that can be critical to healthy relationships of all kind.
Annoying: The Science of What Bugs Us, by Joe Palca—As someone whose sensitivities have increased with age, I found this study of sensory irritation to be fascinating.
Memoir
The Road Less Taken: Lessons From a Life Spent Cycling, by Kathryn Bertine—Bertine’s memoir of women’s professional cycling life demonstrates the differences between men’s and women’s professional cycling, as well as the particular challenge of breaking into professional cycling past age 30.
The Wild Truth: The Untold Story of Sibling Rivalry, by Carine McCandless—In this story behind Into the Wild, by John Krakauer, Carine McCandless details the horrific and complex childhood that led to her brother’s disappearance.
The Real Doctor Will See You Shortly: A Physician’s First Year, by Matt McCarthy—This candid memoir was both entertaining and informative, as well a little scary.
It Was Me All Along, by Andie Mitchell—Mitchell’s courageous account of her battle with weight would be inspirational to anyone who has struggled with weight or body image.
Hiding From Myself, by Bryan Christopher—In this powerful memoir, Christopher openly shares his painful journey from self-loathing to self-acceptance, as someone who fiercely fought the realization that he was gay, while growing up and coming of age in an evangelical Christian environment.
A Beginner’s Guide to Paradise: 9 Steps to Giving Up Everything So You Too Can: Move to a South Pacific Island, Wear a Loincloth, Read a Hundred Books, Diaper a Baby Monkey, Build a Bungalow, by Alex Sheshunoff—This book was mostly just funny, but with an inspirational, wistful edge.
Nutrition/Cooking
The Campbell Plan: The Simple Way to Lose Weight and Reverse Illness, Using The China Study’s Whole-Food, Plant-Based Diet, by Thomas M. Campbell II—A follow-up to The China Study, by T. Colin Campbell, this book provides incredibly important information that is not always readily available through mainstream media. Whether or not you care about justice for non-human animals, there is critical health information here.
The 22-Day Revolution: The Plant-Based Program That Will Transform Your Body, Reset Your Habits, and Change Your Life, by Marco Borges—More great ideas for implementing the vegan lifestyle are presented in this book.
The PlantPure Nation Cookbook: The Official Companion Cookbook to the Breakthrough Film . . . With over 150 Plant-Based Recipes, by Kim Campbell—This has become my favorite cookbook! I have made many recipes from it and love them all.
Vegan for Her: The Woman’s Guide to Being Healthy and Fit on a Plant-Based Diet, by Ginny Messina—This is the woman-specific companion to Vegan for Life, by Jack Norris and Ginny Messina, which is also great. Here, Messina addresses different life stages and details nutrition and supplementation (minimal) for vegan women.
Cooked Raw, by Matthew Kenney—Although this is more memoir than nutritional guide, it made me want to incorporate even more raw food into my diet. I was also awed and encouraged by Kenney’s persistence in the face of struggle.
Personal/Professional Development
Are You Fully Charged?: The 3 Keys to Energizing Your Work and Life, by Tom Rath—I have been a fan of Tom Rath’s writing for several years. Here, he draws on incredible personal challenges to share what he has learned about living more fully right now.
Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives, by Gretchen Rubin—I have enjoyed Gretchen Rubin in the past, but I became an even bigger admirer after reading this smart memoir/how-to about instituting positive habits.
Start Something That Matters, by Blake Mycoskie—This book really lit a spark for me and was the beginning of the inspiration that led to this blog.
Grit to Great: How Perseverance, Passion, and Pluck Take You From Ordinary to Extraordinary, by Linda Kaplan Thaler & Robin Koval—Thaler and Koval share what they have learned about the value of perseverance to success in all aspects of life.
Rising Strong, by Brene Brown—Brown left me feeling encouraged and more confident in owning my whole story shamelessly.
The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work, by Shawn Achor—Achor provided a new (for me) take on positive psychology, one that posits that happiness may be the key to success, and not vice versa.
Before Happiness: How Creating a Positive Reality First Amplifies Your Levels of Happiness and Success, by Shawn Achor—I enjoyed Achor’s previous book so much that I read this one to gain a better understanding of the importance of emphasizing happiness before all else.
Happier at Home: How I Learned to Pay Attention, Cram My Day with What I Love, Hold More Tightly, Embrace Here, and Remember Now, by Gretchen Rubin—For some reason, I had resisted reading this book for quite a while, but reading Rubin’s latest book changed my mind. All of her books provide useful suggestions, presented in the context of engaging memoir.
SuperBetter: A Revolutionary Approach to Getting Stronger, Happier, Braver and More Resilient—Powered by the Science of Games, by Jane McGonigal—Totally out of character for me, the concept of living gamefully was presented in such a way that I was inspired to try several challenges and techniques. I just used one yesterday to divert my brain from a direction I didn’t want to go. I came away with useful strategies that I will continue to use, even if I am not playful by nature.
True Crime & Justice
The Innocent Killer: The True Story of a Wrongful Conviction and Its Astonishing Aftermath, by Michael Griesbach—A haunting true crime tale that illustrates how wrongful convictions can happen and how complicated the legal system can be.
2015 Serial Killers True Crime Anthology: Volume 2, by Peter Vronsky (Ed.)—A collection of recent true crime writing about fascinating, terrifying serial killers.
The Other Wes Moore: One Name, Two Fates, by Wes Moore—A young man recognizes how different his life could have been when he reads a news report about a man with his same name, who grew up very close to where he did, but who ended up in prison, instead of in college. Here, the author shares their dual histories and the story of the relationship he forged with the incarcerated Moore.
Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption, by Bryan Stevenson—Stevenson tells the stories of his career in social justice and the tragedy that can occur when innocent, indigent people are wrongly convicted.
The Short and Tragic Life of Robert Peace: A Brilliant Young Man Who Left Newark for the Ivy Leagues, by Jeff Hobbs—Hobbs does an outstanding job of telling the story of his friend who seemed to beat the odds, but ended up succumbing to his environment. It is a powerful story of the challenges so many people face in trying to carve a successful, meaningful life for themselves.
Writing
The Art of Memoir, by Mary Karr—Karr’s discussion of her love for nonfiction really resonated with me, and I came away from her memoir-writing guide with a strong appreciation for the critical importance of accuracy and clarity in writing memoir.

I always love suggestions for great nonfiction reads and hope you enjoy mine. If you have read a great book this year, please share it in Comments.

My Happiness Strategies

I am excited to share some of the strategies I am using to boost my happiness and manage stress in a healthier, more life-affirming way, but I am writing this post as much for myself as anyone because I feel the need to collect my strategies in one place. My progress on this journey feels a bit tenuous—like a setback could make me forget everything I am learning about living a more mentally healthy life. If you read my last post, you know that I had been internalizing stress to the point that I felt desperate enough to overdo B6 supplementation, resulting in self-induced B6 toxicity and small fiber neuropathy.

I see these happiness strategies as dynamic lifelines. Their comparative value may fluctuate as I move through life. They are presented in no hard and fast order. All have value to me, and all are making a difference.

  1. Mantras: I have mentioned previously my love of quotes. My mantras derive from my quote collection in most cases. Usually, a quote inspires me to personalize the words into an affirmation or reminder for myself. Some mantras remain constant for years. Others are more fleeting, serving me well for a time, until I seem to outgrow them or to move into a different phase in my life. I repeat these to myself, usually in my head, sometimes aloud, often many times a day. Here are the mantras that are currently serving me most effectively:
    1. I do what I can do, as competently as possible within a reasonable time frame, and then I let it go. Derived from an Elizabeth Gilbert quote, this mantra is arguably my most important mental lifeline right now. I am in an intensely busy phase at work. There is really no way to get everything done that I would like to get done “within a reasonable time frame.” In order to sustain myself through this intensity, avoid burning out and resist a spiral back into unmanaged stress, I had to redefine what constituted a reasonable time frame and adjust my expectations. This is difficult for me because excellence is one of my core values. But, I cannot sustain excellence if I am so stressed that I am damaging my health. So, I have Gilbert’s quote posted above my computer at work, and I repeat the personalized mantra countless times throughout the day to calm myself and to remember that I am only one person, trying hard to do good work, in a limited amount of time, with multiple responsibilities pulling me various directions.
    2. I am deeply fulfilled by, and grateful for, all that I do. This mantra is a balm to counter resentment at the bureaucracy, the mundaneness and the minutiae of life that can wear me down and leave me feeling discouraged. Louise Hay deserves credit for this mantra, because it was inspired by her words, “Find a way to be deeply fulfilled by, and grateful for, all that you do.” (Also posted above my work computer.) “Finding a way” is a crucial aspect of the effectiveness of this mantra. When I repeat this mantra to myself, I challenge myself to identify meaning in my activities of the day or even the moment. How does what I am doing right now (or what I did today) fulfill me? What meaning have I created? What value have I added? It is a useful mental exercise that helps me to keep or regain perspective, when I feel the threat or reality of being swept up in the tide of constant appointments and/or obligations. When I challenge myself to identify and acknowledge the meaning in what I do, I feel calmer and, truly, more fulfilled.
    3. My thoughts shape my perceptions, determine my actions and behavior and create the world I envision. This mantra has been part of my daily self-talk for years, and I often use it to ward off fear and to remind myself how powerfully I shape my own reality by the way I approach life. Although I don’t fully subscribe to the Law of Attraction, I do believe that how I choose to define myself and my circumstances influences how I experience life. I find myself repeating this quote while cycling as I approach an area where I have had problems with a dog. It gives me strength and feels a bit like a talisman. Whether or not it actually wards off chasing canines, I can’t say for sure, but it allows me to feel more powerful and more capable and it reminds me to expect the best and to do as much as I can to help myself.
    4. I am happy. I am healthy. I am peaceful. I am free. This is an adaptation of the Loving-Kindness Meditation. These words calm me and induce gratitude. I enhance the benefits when I extend the meditation to friends and family, those who don’t understand me and all beings. (e.g., May all beings be happy. May they be healthy. May they be peaceful. May they be free.) My heart expands when I take the time and make the mental effort to extend these wishes to others. I feel more generous, more peaceful and happier.
    5. I choose happiness. I use this to shove unproductive thoughts out of my head. Sometimes I couple this with an emphatic, often audible, “This is my time!” I do this especially on my bike. Processing emotions and issues is one thing; allowing myself to haul the baggage someone else (or a situation) creates is another. I shed the baggage by remembering that I choose happiness, not the weight of victimhood.
  2. Three things that went well today: I mentioned this practice in a previous post. Each night before I go to bed, I write in my journal three things that went well during the day and why. I have done this practice, recommended by Martin Seligman, for several years, and I treasure it as a way to center, reflect on the day and focus on the positive. Even on very difficult days, I challenge myself to find three good things to record. Sometimes they are profound; sometimes they are mundane, but the practice makes a big difference to my overall outlook. I practice on a miniature, mental scale throughout the day. If I leave work feeling stressed, I recall three good things from the day as I walk to my car or drive home. Sometimes, I use a variation of this in the morning. If I feel draggy and reluctant as my alarm sounds, I find three things to which I can look forward that day.
  3. Does it/will it bring me more peace or more stress? This question is a very important strategy for me. I ask myself variations of it many times throughout the day, particularly when I am at a decision point. Will eating this chocolate bring me more stress or more peace? Which item on my task list is causing me the most stress? Once I identify it, completing it becomes top priority. If I attend this function, will it bring me more stress or more peace? To the extent that it is possible, the choice that adds peace and/or minimizes stress is what I select.
  4. “I have three criteria to apply to any item trying to make its way onto my to-do list: Is the activity fun, meaningful, or absolutely necessary?” – Amy Tiemann: When I read this in Amy Tiemann’s Mojo Mom, several years ago, I was struck by its wisdom. There are so many obligations and options competing for our time; it made sense to have some criteria with which to choose those most worthy of my precious minutes. I try to ask myself these questions before accepting a responsibility, taking on a task or attending a function. Of course, these are subjective criteria, but they promote awareness and conscious decision making. They minimize the risk that I will agree to do something solely out of guilt, thus lessening the chance of resentment.
  5. Year-round cycling: Cycling is such an important part of my life. Its value cannot be overstated. I am unquestionably a nicer, healthier, higher-functioning person because I have cycling in my life. I am a proponent of exercise, in general, and I look for ways to add movement to my day. But, cycling is special. I cherish the time I am on my bike, even on rides like yesterday morning’s, when I was battered by a raw north wind for most of my 50 miles. I have typically declared the end of daylight savings time in November until it begins again in March to be my off-season. This year, acknowledging how hard fall and winter are for me, I have decided that I will maintain some level of cycling throughout the year. I will still have an off-season, in that my rides will be relegated mostly to short (15-20 miles) weekend rides. I will need to invest in more cold-weather cycling gear, but I think it will make the winter months easier to bear and will allow me small doses of the mood boost I get from cycling throughout the year.
  6. Reading: Like cycling, reading is invaluable to me. I am always reading a book (99.9% nonfiction), and I always have books waiting for me on my Kindle and in a stack. Having a book with me wherever I go serves as a security blanket. I grow so much through reading and through processing many of the ideas I encounter in books while I am on the bike. I have been focusing heavily on positive psychology and happiness literature recently (currently reading Gretchen Rubin’s Happier at Home), but I read many other types of books, too. I read whenever and wherever I can. While an undergraduate, working full time during the day and going to school at night, I got into the habit of reading while brushing my teeth, getting dressed, folding laundry, etc. I still do that. I can read while washing dishes by using my elbow to change the pages of my Kindle. I love to learn, and reading is one way I can take control of my lifelong education and personal development. As I drive home from work, a joy often pops into my mind: “I will have opportunities to read!”
  7. Quotes: Beyond personalizing quotes into mantras, I refer to my five volumes of collected quotes multiple times throughout the day while at home, randomly selecting words of wisdom through a ritual I have used for years. One change in recent months is that I give myself permission to select another random quote if the first (or subsequent) one doesn’t speak to me in the moment. I then ponder these quotes, especially in situations where I won’t have the opportunity to read or will have the opportunity to think (before turning off my book light to go to sleep, before leaving in the car, before getting on my bike, before getting into the shower, etc.). This practice calms me or sometimes excites and inspires me. Even quotes I recorded years ago suddenly may be particularly resonant.
  8. Blog: This blog arose out of my personal quest for happiness. Writing is one of the ways I center and process, plus, I have found myself with an urge to share the lessons I learn through cycling and reflection. I have a loose vision for the future of this blog, but, for now, it is a creative outlet that I hope others find helpful. However, its value to me is not dependent on whether or not it benefits others. Writing it is an end in itself. Taking the time to do so feels like a luxury. It would be easy to say that I can’t afford the time, but I think the truth is that I can’t afford not to take it.
  9. #100HAPPYDAYS: When I saw a post about this project on Facebook, I knew that I was ripe to participate. Having recently learned the cause of my neurological symptoms and being struck by the reality that stress, anxiety and depression contributed to them, I was committed to enhancing my own happiness. #100HAPPYDAYS extends beyond “three things that went well today” because it forces a more active pursuit of happy moments. Since I have to take a photo to post some symbol of happiness that occurred during the day, it is not enough to retrospectively reflect and choose good things; I have to look for them actively and capture them with my camera. This turns my focus more often to the positive.
  10. Push myself: For me, this mostly involves cycling. I find that I am more energized if I ride on the other side of comfortable several times a week. I feel good about my gains, and my body benefits from the endorphins released by the vigorous exercise.
  11. Vocation: I owe my renewed appreciation for the word and the concept of vocation to Elizabeth Gilbert. In Big Magic, her discussion of vocation helped me to recognize an often-missed coherence to my daily life and to my lifelong personal and professional journey. At this point in my life, “vocation” is a more useful construct than “mission” or “purpose.” My vocation encompasses both the way I live my life and the work I do. I see the value that each leg of my journey has brought to the whole of my vocation. I find peace and comfort in this view. My blog, my paid work, my veganism, my cycling—all are components of my vocation.
  12. Devaluing “busyness”: I recognize that, for several years, busyness has been my signature state. When people asked how I was, I often responded, “Busy.” I equated commitment to busyness, excellence to busyness and responsibility to busyness. Now, I can see where that got me, and I want to put busyness in its appropriate place. Yes, my calendar is still full—very often fuller than I would like or fuller than my introversion would choose—but I have pushed busyness off its pedestal and recognize that whatever benefits wearing that label may have given me, the costs were greater. I have changed my language so that I try to refer to my schedule as “full,” rather than busy. The difference may be semantic, but “full” connotes abundance to me, while “busy” connotes stress.
  13. Redefining success: As someone who has always pursued straight A’s and high academic achievement, I have too often felt shame at my nonlinear career and income trajectories. It is easy to say to myself that someone with two master’s degrees should be making more money than I do. But, have I ever really chosen my work for the salary? That has always been a secondary or even tertiary or lower criterion, probably to my fiscal detriment, but integrity and, yes, vocation, have always been more important. I can acknowledge that the financial return on my academic investment is probably lower than I would have hoped or than most people would expect, but I do feel like the work I have chosen to do throughout my career has generally made positive differences in people’s lives and to the world, albeit in incremental ways. A quote I found in UU World magazine several years ago (I believe this is a paraphrase of a quote by Mother Teresa.) said, “Every action makes a ripple. The ripples change the world.” I hope that I will make enough positive ripples that there will be more compassion and less suffering, more excellence and less complacency, more integrity and less insincerity and more fitness and less squandering of potential in the world. If I accomplish those things, then I will have been successful.
  14. Limiting exposure: Sometimes the world can feel so heavy. As an ethical vegan, the suffering experienced by nonhumans and humans alike can be seriously depressing. I have found that I simply must limit my exposure to the sad stuff. Compassion fatigue is real, and I have a strong tendency toward it. I am aware that there is a line between burying my head in the sand and overdosing on vicarious suffering, sadness and bad news, and I try to stay reasonably balanced between the two. My veganism provides an example. I have been vegetarian for over 33 years and became vegan over seven years ago. For the intervening 26 years, I wanted to believe that being vegetarian was enough. Finally, I knew that, in order to live my values with integrity, I needed to educate myself more thoroughly about the suffering of animals in the dairy or egg industries. As soon as I allowed myself to learn the truth, I became vegan. I continued to learn more, but reached a saturation point, especially after the heartbreaking loss of my special dog Andy in 2011. I realize that, in so many ways, Andy’s death was a crucial turning point in my life, representing far more than the pain of that loss. I am a committed vegan. There is no turning back for me, so there is no point in continuing to torture myself by reading or watching animal suffering. It is more productive to focus on what I can do to contribute positively to the world, rather than to become unbearably weighted down with the sadness of the world.
  15. Adjusting my expectations: This is related to the first mantra I discussed in this post. Living this mantra means that I have to adjust my expectations, but I am careful to distinguish between that and lowering my standards. Instead of demanding that I address every email before I leave work, I use my “more peace or more stress?” strategy to determine my highest priorities for the following day, and I move on “in a reasonable time frame.” It makes a difference. Another area where I have adjusted my expectations is this blog. Initially, I committed to posting at least once a week. I have found that life doesn’t always allow that without undue stress. Since Just Wind is one of my happiness strategies, pushing myself to produce substandard work, just for the sake of staying on an arbitrary and unrealistic schedule, makes no sense. I will emphasize quality over frequency.
  16. Strengths: Related to being fulfilled by what I do and finding meaning in my daily life, I focus on identifying the ways that I am using my strengths—those character traits and talents that most empower me to make a difference—to contribute to the greater good in the world. I know that life feels more rewarding when I am putting my strengths to good use.
  17. Adding movement: A practice I started several years ago (and resurrected after a brief hiatus when I changed jobs) is to add a little movement to my work day by taking the long way to or from the restroom every time I get up for a bathroom break. This takes only a minute or so, but it helps me to get a tiny burst of physical activity and clears my head for a moment.

While I hope this (admittedly long) post will add value for my readers, my primary objective is to create a collection of my most useful happiness strategies, as a reference for myself.

Please share your happiness strategies in the “Comments” section. (If you tried to comment on previous posts and couldn’t, I think I have fixed the problem.) I would love to learn from fresh perspectives. We can all contribute to the happiness in the world by pooling our accumulating and evolving wisdom. It is one of the ways we make ripples.